How To Get Through A Break Up Pt. 1

5 Tips To Help You Through The Beginning Of A Breakup

If you are reading this, you’re probably going through one of the worst feelings in your life. Break ups can feel like death when you are going through one, no matter what end of the bullet you are on. I have experienced break-ups from both sides and the amount of suck did not change, regardless of what role I played. But, I have survived every single break up even when it felt like I wasn’t going to make it through.

The number one thing I learned?

Let them go! Let them. Chances are there were signs all along that you chose to ignore. We ignore our intuition because we do not want it to be true. We want to have hope that things will get better, but deep down we always know the truth.

What is it that makes breakups so hard though? Why do they cause us to act out in irrational ways? And why is it so damn hard to let them go?

Our brain, our mindset, neuro-connections.

Besides letting go, I am going to teach you the why’s of a break up and give you 5 strategies and tips to help you get through it in a healthy manner so you can move on and move forward with your life. Here is what you will learn.

-The statistics of the longevity of relationships

-What happens in your body during a break up

-What happens in your brain during a break up

-5 tips and strategies to help you get through the first stage of a break up.

In past relationships, I was a master at ignoring my intuition and trying to force relationships to work even though my gut was shouting at me that everything about this was wrong. I am going to tell you a personal story because I do not want you to do what I did and stick around when you know you are not wanted. You deserve a healthy relationship with someone that truly wants to be with you. One relationship in particular was completely toxic and in my gut I knew he didn’t really want me but I didn’t want to accept it.

At one point, my partner (now ex) told me to my face that he needed to cheat on me. Not only cheat on me but have relationships with other women and be gone for weeks and maybe even months if he felt like it and me? He said I could stay home and run his business and he would financially take care of me, so no worries. I wasn’t as conscious as I am now so I did not let him. I cried, threw fits, and complained. I drove myself so crazy I could have ended up in a hospital. The signs had been there all along. The secret conversations with other women on Instagram and other social media platforms telling women how hot they were and how he couldn’t wait to see them again. He also never bothered to change any relationship status to in a relationship nor did he ever mention me, post pictures of me, nothing in 7 years of being together everyday in a relationship. All because he wanted to maintain the look of being single.

I tried with all my might to force that relationship and guess what? It didn’t work. That is when I learned that no matter how hard you try what is not for you will NEVER be for you. Sometimes when you can’t make something work, it’s for a reason. I also learned to never create a connection with someone over past trauma and that if they aren’t working on fixing themselves they will never get better.

Statistics + What A Break up Does To Your Brain & Body

During my research on break ups I found two statistics that stood out to me.

-50% of marriages end in divorce

-70% of straight couples break up in the first year of their relationship.

Nearly every single person on this planet will experience a break up or divorce. You are not going to avoid the pain from a break up. Why are these numbers so high? The majority of us do not take time to heal ourselves, our spirits, our minds before we jump into the next relationship. All we focus on is our pain. So we jump into another relationship too quickly because we want that feeling back, that dopamine hit, that ego boost. The problem is when you do not confront your pain and you just try to put a band aid over it with a new relationship, you end up repeating the same mistakes over and over and dating the same person over and over. My two longest relationships were just two sides of the same coin. It wasn’t until after I took the time to heal that I saw this.

Let’s discuss what goes on in your brain and body during a break up. When you educate yourself on how your mind and body process the anatomy of a break up, you can remove yourself emotionally from the situation and react from a more rational state.

This Is Your Brain On A Break Up

Nothing breaks like a heart? Not true. Breakups actually affect your brain the most.

Relationships boost our oxytocin levels also known as the “love” hormone. Oxytocin helps us form bonds with people. Dopamine and serotonin levels are also increased along with the creation of positive neural pathways. To put this in simpler terms when you fall in love your partner actually begins to occupy nerve cell pathways and physically lives in the neurons and synapses in your brain.

When you experience a break up the aftermath is very similar to withdrawals from an addiction. Your brain is no longer receiving these high levels of hormones it used to be supplied with. Since this person also lived in our neural pathways your brain seeks them, in a much similar way that addicts need their next fix. Basically, your brain is a hot neurochemical mess.

This Is Your Body On A Break Up

Apart from mentally feeling like an addict going through withdrawals. Your body is also going through some major changes mainly involving stress and depression. Not only are the areas of your brain that are associated with addiction triggered but the areas associated with physical pain are also triggered during the onset of a breakup. During a breakup we all experience high-levels of stress. I was stressed beyond belief, I had to find a new home, new job, and new life path all while trying to maintain being a mom and making sure my kids' lives did not go haywire along with mine. This stress led me to having many health issues and here are some reasons why.

Stress dysregulates your nervous system causing your fight or flight response to go haywire. When your body is stressed it releases the hormones cortisol and adrenaline. This leads your body to go into “fight or flight” mode. The stress of a break up can get so bad that scientists came up with a name for it: “Broken Heart Syndrome.”

Some of the the symptoms include:

-Chest pains

-Shortness of breath

Suffering from a breakup is a lot like going through any other traumatic life event, but you can get through it. It may seem impossible but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and this is your blueprint to getting there.

5 Tips To Help You Get Through A Break Up

Rethink Your Priorities

What kinds of people do you want in your life? What events or activities would you like to attend or participate in? What type of work would you like to pursue? After you answer these questions, make a list of priorities for your new life. Then, let the list guide you as you plan each day, week, and month.

Begin With Grief

The end of a relationship can be painful and is very much like grieving the loss of someone who just passed away. In reality most it is like experiencing the death of someone close. You no longer see them on a regular basis, more than likely you don’t see them at all anymore. In order to begin to heal you have to allow yourself to grieve what you once had. It is only after this step that you can truly let go and move on. Allow yourself to experience the emotions that come with the loss of a relationship. At moments you may be angry, others depressed and sad. Feel your emotions as they come in a healthy way. Do not push them to the side because they will then be stored in your body and become a trigger later on in life.

Do Not Contact Them

Staying in contact with your ex after a break up, especially if it was a rough break up, just prolongs the inevitable. Emotions are high at the end and both parties may be acting out of emotion rather than the rationalities of what just happened. This can lead to pain on your end if they are rude and no longer taking your calls. It can also lead to an emotional disaster if they respond and prolong what inevitably still doesn’t work.

I recommend waiting at least 3 to 6 months so you can heal and move forward before contacting them. This gives you time to break the emotional bond and see them for who they truly are or if they have grown since.

You Are Enjoying Your Own Company

You are amazing but there will be times where you feel lonely. In those times where you are grieving and feel all alone and are grieving having a movie or sushi buddy, remember you can take yourself out too. Turn being alone into a positive.

You aren’t alone, you are enjoying your own company. All of the dinners, parties and hikes you can still go do and with the best company of all…yourself.

Let Them

Do not stay or beg to stay with someone that clearly does not want to be with you whether they showed you through their actions or by breaking up with you. If that is what they want, let them. This part is hard because emotions are involved but from my experiences people do not change unless THEY want to change. You can be the best person in the world to them but unless they WANT to change you can’t make them. So if they want to sleep with other people, let them. If they want to break up with you, let them. In every case, let them and let them go. Move on.

Holding on could keep you from finding someone better. The universe is trying to remove that person from your life for a reason so let it and trust the process. As long as you are learning you will go in the right direction and find someone again.

If you need help through any of the process I am here. I offer Break Up Reset coaching to help other women who have also gone through traumatizing, toxic relationships learn to let go, move on and create a new vision for their lives. You can book a FREE consultation here.

Light and Love,

Andrea Zavala