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Confidence is not something you are born with. Confidence is something that is hard won by trial and error. In this modern world where how many likes you get or aren’t getting can leave you feeling like nobody cares or where the more views you get the more you get paid, it can feel like the world is made to beat your confidence down when you do not meet expectations. Instead of allowing the expectations of others, or perfectionism and limiting beliefs, I say just do it. Do it scared. Do it unprepared. Do it before you are ready. Just fucking get started where you are.
I say this because you build confidence by taking action. You cannot lead your life, your team at work, or your children without confidence. Confidence affects how you show up in your daily life. Whether you are in sales or a social media creator you need confidence in yourself to create a connection with someone. This goes for building healthy relationships also. Having confidence in yourself will help you to effectively handle conflict in relationships and stick to your boundaries. Outlined here are the steps you need to take to begin building confidence and start leading the life you deserve.
The Basics of Confidence
The first step to learning to become confident is changing your mindset and how you see yourself. Your mindset is influenced by how you see yourself, by the things you tell yourself and put in your head. If you tell yourself every day that you can’t, you’re good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re a piece of shit…you are going to BELIEVE it. Negative thoughts compounded over time will destroy you and your confidence. So step one, is to change your mindset. Create a mindset that will allow confidence to flourish. Your mind is like a garden and your thoughts are the nutrients, light, and water.
How are your plants growing up there? Are they full and lush or are they dying as soon as they break the surface? Having a growth mindset is the key to having confidence in anything you do.
Why is Confidence Important
As you build self-confidence your personal and professional life will grow with it. Confidence is energy and that energy is magnetic. Your relationships will thrive. You see when you build confidence, your self love also grows leading you to have the freedom to love others without fear. It can help you create a better relationship or on the other side build the confidence to leave a toxic relationship.
On a personal note after being in a relationship that was going nowhere, was toxic and physically aggressive on both sides, it wasn't until I built confidence in myself that I was able to leave and stay gone. Before that I didn’t think I could survive without them, simply because my energy and brain knew what to expect. I was so comfortable with the chaos that even though I knew leaving was the best for both of us, the unknown was fucking scary. Confidence and doing things on my own helped me to leave a bad situation. It was not easy, but damn, it was worth it.
Your professional life will grow too. If you were previously too scared to go after that promotion, now you will not be. Same goes for going after that dream job. Once you begin doing small things that you never thought you could, you will start chasing those big goals with confidence.
Remember where your focus goes, is where your energy goes. So stop focusing on your past and the things going wrong in your life and focus on what you can do today. Now that we have taken care of the basics. Here are the steps to build confidence like a pro.
Improve Your Self-talk
What you put into your mind, including how you speak to yourself greatly affects your mindset more than anything else. You are your own worst enemy and you are losing out on life if you do not get how you speak to yourself in check. We all have negative thoughts with up to 77% of our thoughts throughout the day being negative or counterproductive. A huge difference between those with confidence and success and those who are stuck and unhappy is how they speak to themselves. Those with negative self-talk will lose out on a promotion at work and tell themselves they suck or they aren’t good enough. The person who speaks positively to themselves will not internalize that failure. They will turn that into a lesson that they can now grow from.
Every time you have a negative thought about yourself. Stop. Tell yourself the opposite. Think of a past win. We all need to realize our thoughts are just thoughts. Just because you think it does not mean it needs your attention, the same way that just because an ex-lover reaches out, does not mean you need to respond. End of story. Getting up in the mornings can be the roughest time for negative self-talk. Put sticky notes around your bathroom mirror with positive messages and read these out loud to yourself every day. Give yourself a high-five after doing the work to create the best version of yourself each morning.
Goal Visualization Practices
Practice makes perfect and that includes confidence. According to an article I recently read in Forbes magazine 67% of those surveyed believed having pictures of their goals would help them achieve them. In that same study 1 out 5 business owners practiced visualization whether it was through a meditative practice or something like a vision board and 76% of those same business owners were able to turn those visions into a reality and reported their businesses were exactly where they envisioned they would be.
When we were children, visualizing our future was easy. It was natural for us. Then life happens. We get bullied, some of us have bad home lives and the list goes on and on and on. As an adult, I learned to love visualizing again, especially during the time I was living in my car or on my own again after leaving a long relationship. Visualizing is more than just vision boards although those are great tools and a great place to get started, I also practice more of a visualization meditation-like practice. I lay down and think of my goal in great detail. One of my first goals, when I began doing this, was to become a speaker. I would visualize it from the beginning of that day to the end of the speech. What was I doing? What was I wearing? What did I see, smell and feel? How did it make me feel? I would even visualize the things that could go wrong and how I would triumph over them. This type of visualization helps your practice being in that situation so that when the time does come, you already know what to do, like an athlete that is constantly practicing.
In life, we all do have some wins, even if they are small. Small wins add up. If you are struggling with confidence, think of a time in your past when you won! What challenges were you facing that you were still able to overcome? Your past can be your own inspiration. Remember, YOU are the hero of your story. Whether it was taking a chance to ask someone out and succeeding or it was when you received a new job offer, looking back on past wins can help you gain confidence by triggering those same emotions and help you build on that. Start with one and begin stacking all the wins you have accumulated throughout the years. Show gratitude for those and remember another win is on the way.
Learn Something New
A sure fire way to build confidence is by trying something new. Even if you fail, you tried. That is not something everyone does. Putting yourself out there and trying is scary because the unknown is always scary but it will give you the boost you need to begin building confidence. Here’s the thing, to become confident, you have to be able to rely on yourself. You have to know that no matter what, even in your darkest hours, YOU are there for yourself. Keep your promises to yourself. If you say you are going to start saving money and do not do it. You are betraying yourself and if you can’t even depend on yourself, who can you depend on? It all starts with YOU. Learn something new whether it’s a cooking class or a new language, just do it, and keep the commitment to do it. If you fail at least you learned what doesn’t work and now you have the experience to move forward and make a more informed decision next time, because remember you aren’t just starting again, you are beginning with experience.
Take Care of Yourself
Here’s the thing, to become confident, you have to be able to rely on yourself. You have to know that no matter what, even in your darkest hours, YOU are there for yourself. Keep your promises to yourself. If you say you are going to start saving money and do not do it. You are betraying yourself and if you can’t even depend on yourself, who can you depend on? It all starts with YOU. Some other great ways I have learned that have helped me build up confidence are the things that help me feel healthy and good about myself. Exercise does wonders. It releases endorphins that help make you feel good and it’s good for your health. I’m not asking you to become a beast in the gym like The Rock or Jlo, but keeping an eye out for your health is never a bad idea. Simple things like grooming yourself, getting sleep, and eating healthier can also help. The gut-mind connection is real. I learned this firsthand when I began to experience ulcers from stress. Anytime my ulcer was acting up I would notice an immediate shift in my mood from great to negative. Negative thoughts about the relationship I was in would come up. I would begin to put myself down for how bloated I was and how my clothes fit and that mood affected my entire day and how I released my energy out into the world. It was a bad spiral. Gut health is mental health.
When you begin to set these steps into motion and make them a part of your daily routine your confidence will skyrocket over time. Nothing comes immediately but with time you will become the most confident person you know.
You can also always count on me to help guide you there. I can provide coaching, become your accountability partner and give extra resources to become the best version of yourself and to ensure we set you up for success the first session is FREE.
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